Had a dream last night that I discovered the meaning of life. The meaning was Something, as in doing Something. Most people do Something, so that is why we exist. But then sick folks like me do Nothing, or next to it, so our life has little to no meaning.
Then I woke up, or dreamt that I woke up, as I continued to dream but thought that I was awake and thinking consciously. My thinking/dreaming kind of went like this: Most people’s lives are made up of multiple Somethings. Wake up. Shower. Eat. Work (be it paid, volunteer or domestic) or go to school, etc.
Other than eat, I do none of that. Can do none of that. And if my wife didn’t cook, eating for me would consist of eating nothing other than peanut butter sandwiches…
When I actually woke up I thought about the dream. Usually when I wake up and think about my dreams, I have to laugh as I realize the absurdity of the dream. But this one seemed to make sense and stuck with me, which is why I am writing about it…
Sick folks like me (I have Multiple Sclerosis and a New Daily Persistent Headache—chronic, 24/7, painful, no relief ever) can do little or no nothing We are not able to do Somethings that matters, so our lives have no meaning. I can do little more than read, watch TV, play games on my tablet. Now you might do some or all of that, but that’s when you are taking a break from the meaningful Somethings that you do. Other than grab my cane and walk the dog, I really can’t do Anything. Hence no meaning.
But you are writing this, you say.
I used to be a writer/trainer. This kind of Something is what I did all working day. Now I’m lucky if I can last 30 minutes. So my Something is extremely, exceptionally limited. Hence, little to no meaning.
But meaning is found in more than what you can do, you say.
Is it? I ask. Do nothing; mean nothing. Like a rock… And that is what I feel I have become, for the most part, a conscious rock that just sits there on the couch…
But if we are lucky we all get old, and as we get old, we do less and less, you say.
You get no argument from me. In fact I am old enough to be officially retired. But a couple of points: I know people my age and older who are still doing. Some are doing a considerable amount. And take Joe Biden, the current president of the US who is more than a decade older than I am. I suspect he is doing Something(s). No?
MS has restricted what I can do for 25 years. The NDPH has further restricted what I can do for almost a decade. I really can do very little and know sick folks who can do even less. But am I calling their lives meaningless? Not all all. I don’t know how they feel or what they are thinking, so I will not define them.
Now you can argue with my definition of meaning and you might even be right about what meaning means. But you can’t argue with how I feel. And I feel pretty much meaningless because I can’t do Something. It’s like I’m a perpetual drunk without the alcohol.
And even if you are right and life has meaning in terms of how you define it, rather than how my dream defined it, you can’t argue with this: Life is no fun doing nothing. No fun at all. And, I would argue, a life that is no fun is a truly meaningless life. Truly. Meaningless. Full stop.
Me and My MS 